Life and everything that comes with it.

Have you ever looked at a picture of your ex and thought….what the fuck was I thinking?? You aren’t even cute!! They are moving on as if they did nothing wrong and you wanna scream in their face- “you did everything wrong you ugly lying ass hole!”- But you don’t say it, because you are better than them, and you always have been. And then you just wish that they were missing you, so that for once they could feel the way that they made you feel. Then you think if anyone could ever make you feel that awful feeling you felt, then you could never make them feel anything at all, because if someone really cared, they would never make you feel that way. So then you tell yourself, that they never cared, and they never meant any of the nice things they said. It was all just one big bitter sweet lie. And maybe that is true, hell it’s probably true…but if it’s not, just thinking that it’s true helps you find the strength to move on. To move forward.

We are all a lot stronger than we like to give ourselves credit for. There is something deep inside that we all find a way to cling to, because let’s just face it; we wouldn’t still be here if we weren’t strong. Life is hard as shit. It’s mean and cruel and everyone has to deal with it and fight through it and cry about it. Maybe what we cling to is pride, not giving in because then everyone else would think we are weak. Maybe it’s guilt, because if we didn’t stay it would just hurt too many people that we had to leave. Maybe it’s the thought that we just have to much left to do. Dreams that we desire and things that we wanna make happen. Maybe it’s a combination of them all; give and take away whatever works for the individual. For me personally, I just try to look at it all in moments. We have all had good and bad ones. Sad and happy ones. Right and wrong ones. Even the good, happy, and right ones haven’t been perfect. I tell myself it’s just life. Life is just keeping the balance. So that’s what I cling during the bad, sad, and wrong moments. The thought that in time the scale will start to tip, and my life will be back on the way up. Maybe that’s not true…hell it’s probably not true. But just thinking that it’s true helps me find the strength to move on to move forward.

I have seen firsthand the beauty of 2 souls becoming one, and I have witnessed the heartache that happens when one of those souls is ripped away. I have felt firsthand the love of people who truly love me no matter what, and I have cried through the heartache of losing them. I tell myself it’s just life. Life is just keeping the balance. The grass is not always greener, and once we have jumped that fence we can’t always go back over. So I try to enjoy where I am, even though it may not be where I wanna be, I try to find the good in it, and enjoy who I am there with. Because I know that the grass is not always greener, but it may be. I hope for us all that every now and then we hop a fence that has the greenest grass and most beautiful flowers growing on the other side. I hope that the bad, sad, and wrong moments don’t stop you from believing in the good, happy, and right ones. I hope that heartbreak and heartache doesn’t scare you away from loving again. I hope that you always find something to cling to. I hope that you think it’s just life and it’s just moments.

Life is hard as shit. It’s mean and cruel and everyone has to deal with it and fight through it and cry about it. But I believe that all of that bad is what makes the good the best. So stay and fight and love and smile because life is worth it. We are all a lot stronger than we give ourselves credit for. Maybe that’s not true…but maybe, just maybe…it is.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog. If you enjoy it then I will be back soon and if you don’t well then I don’t like you either lol jk…but seriously. Thanks again.
This song is perfect. Leona Lewis is beautiful and so talented. Love.

Truth and Lies

Hi. Once again I know it’s been a while. I’m just really lazy, like so lazy that I can’t even write a blog. It requires thoughts that make sense, and lately, I just haven’t been able to string together words that I feel are almost good enough for other people to read. I’ll give it a try right now though, just for you.

I still don’t have a job…yeah I know. “I don’t like work, because I don’t like working.” And if I were cool enough to make shout outs that one would go out to my girl Nicole Snooki Polizzi! And if I were a guidette with a reality show and a pistachio commercial I would for sure write a book. I do have an interview on Monday though, so wish me luck!

Someone recently asked me if I could stand up and talk about my life for an hour. I answered that I could talk about my life for days. But only if the room had like 5 people in it and I could have my back to them. We all know how I feel about CFs so you can imagine how I would feel about speaking in a CF. But anyway; I decided that an hour is not even close to enough time to sum up my life. I wouldn’t even know where to start. Maybe that’s just because I like to talk a lot and well I do know the most about myself, like who doesn’t? My life is happy, tragic, sweet, bitter, beautiful, hideous, right, wrong, amazing and confusing. Which really that’s no different from anyone else, that’s just life in general. Really, I’m just trying to figure it all out.

I think we should question everything. Question ourselves, question others, question right and wrong, question staying and moving on. Question facts and opinions; question what we know and what we don’t know. I think that the only way to define life is by, well, just living our own. It’s never what you say; it’s always what you do. And words mean a ton to me, but they mean nothing if they don’t have actions behind them. By no means, do I mean that I always mean everything that I say; because well the truth about the truth is that it hurts. So we lie. Is it ok to lie to save someone from pain? Is it ok to hide the truth to avoid the hurt? Just like everything else in life, this has to be situational. Moment to moment, we have to hope that all the questioning we have done and all that we have previously been through will lead us to the right decision. With that being said, I should be honest. “To say that I am happy, well that’s just the saddest lie.”(Once again, if I could make a shout out that one would go to Kid Cudi.)

However, like I always say…giving up is easy. Feeling hurt is inevitable. And I’m not afraid to be vulnerable. So I’ll always give everything that I have. And if my heart is all that I have, then all of it is what I will give. I believe that holding back means missing out. Maybe being that way leaves me to hurt a little more but it also leaves me with no regrets. It will never be what I didn’t do. The pain will be temporary, but I think the thought of knowing that you could’ve done more or tried a little harder is something that would always be felt. Or maybe it’s just something that I don’t wanna feel. Heartache is something that everyone will unfortunately have to go through. To me though, the fear of a broken heart will never stop me from loving blindly. And by that I mean diving in head first. If pain comes then I will deal with it when I get to it. But my love will always be full and free, with nothing held back and no fear stopping me. Wait, I know what you are thinking, yeah that is a lot easier said than done. You are right. So, guess I will say that I will always try, it’s the most that I can do and I’m not afraid to do it.


“Love and loss, truth; it costs more than I can spare right now. Maybe it's simpler to lie.”-Ron Pope