A to B. This one's for you and me.

This is just one of those days when I feel like my issues and my problems and my hurt are worse than anything that anyone else has to feel. Just one of those days, because I know there are people who are hurting, who are hungry, and whose issues, and problems far outweigh mine. But no matter how empathic we all like to think we are we feel our pain and our problems to a much greater extent than we feel the pain and hurt of others. I feel guilty though, I’m one of the lucky ones, yet as I sit here typing listening to Sara Bareilles I am still feeling sorry for myself. There is always another storm, another mountain, another moment...thing upon issue upon loss upon problem upon guilt upon shame. There is always something else. Like Meredith says in Grey’s, “we only take pictures when we get to the top of the mountain”. It makes sense. We wanna forget the pain, the breathlessness, and the struggle of the climb. We just wanna enjoy being at the top. But the climb is necessary to get to the top. I’ll be honest, I hate that. A to B, I wanna skip the in between and just all of a sudden appear at B. I wanna just jump from A to B to C and so on. I don’t wanna climb and hurt or get fresh wounds. I wish we could just skip all of that.

If that in between makes me who I am, then I have some self-realization that I need to reach while I’m standing at the bottom afraid, broken, and looking up at the peak. Maybe that’s what I’m supposed to find on the journey, maybe I’m not supposed to have that self-realization yet. It would be nice to have a little direction though. Mountains are steep, rocks fall, and tree branches hurt when they cut you. Maybe finally getting to the top isn’t the point. Maybe everything along the way is the point. But I’m tired of falling down; I’m tired of being so close that the top is in my reach right until a boulder knocks me back to where I started. Maybe I’m just complaining and feeling sorry for myself. But maybe you feel the same way. I’m with you. It’s hard. Trust me, I know. The fall hurts. The bottom sucks. And the top seems like a magical fairytale. Maybe the point is to just keep climbing anyway. I may never reach the top. But I’ll be damned if I stay at the bottom. Like I always say giving up is easy, so I won’t, but only if you promise to keep climbing as well. Keep trying, despite the pain, the wrong, the ugly, and the massive amount of trees that have grown up so tall in your path to the top. Cuts, bruises, heartache, and breathlessness, they go away. Be it at the top or at the pretty place you stop to take a break and look at the view along your way.

I know that life is not a mountain, hell I kinda wish it was. With some practice I bet I could climb a real tall one. Not like Mount. Everest or anything, but I could get my ass up a decent sized one. Life is just life, and I’m just a person. Just like you. I’m just a person trying to make it, trying to hold on, and trying to live through it all. We all are. Different issues, different problems, different storms, and different mountains to climb. I bet my mountain is taller than yours though, naw I’m just kidding. In all actuality, I’m dealing with a hill. If you have a mountain or a hill or just a curb to step up on to, I’m sorry. I wish I had wings because then I would just fly us all to the very top. No wings though, just one step at a time. The climb on some real shit. Not Miley shit. The struggle is hard and I wanna lay in bed and cry all day. That’s not an option though because then well I’ll just stay at the bottom. And fuck day dreaming about the top and fearing the climb. One step at a time, I’ll learn what I can and leave behind what I can’t carry anymore. No matter how hard it is to let go, no matter how scary ahead looks, and no matter the wounds I will get along the way. I will keep getting back up and find a way over or under or through everything. I will enjoy the nice view every now and then and the ones I am there with. No following, no leading, just side by side. Up, under, and through. Maybe I’ll reach the top and look around see that it’s everything I hoped for. Or maybe the journey is the point. Having someone by your side during the climb, someone to make you laugh, to push you forward, and to carry you when you just can’t go on anymore.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart if you are on the journey to the top with me. I wouldn’t be able to do it without you. And as soon as I’m the strong one again, I will push you just like you are pushing me. I will make up for my weakness once I catch my breath. Thank you for staying when you could leave. Thank you for talking when you don’t have to and thank you for not saying a word when you know that nothing you say can help. Thank you for just being here. This one's for you and me.

"You and I know what it's like to be kicked down. Forced to fight. But tonight we're alright. So hold up the lights."