Truth is...

I have recently, on 4 different occasions now, had a dream that I have super powers. Like really awesome, save the needy, not scared of anything, I’m the shit type super powers. My brother says it’s because I feel powerless in my actual life blah and my subconscious is trying to tell me that I need to take control of my life. Whoa, easy Dr. Phil. Maybe it’s a sign, like the world is going to evolve and I’m gonna be one of the gifted ones. My subconscious is mentally preparing me for this drastic change to come. Maybe? With that said, I’m embracing 2012. So if the world doesn’t end, look me up, and we’ll see what I have become. (Hopefully not Beast from X-men.)

If I could pick any super power to have it would be to read minds. One reason is so I could feel like I truly know someone. I mean we all like to think that we know people, that we know someone, that someone knows us. But do we? In the beginning we only see what the other person chooses to show us, and we only hear what they choose to say. Then we form our own opinion of them, but this opinion comes from us, not from them. This is when it gets complicated. This is when expectations are accidently made. Then we either get close enough to allow someone inside, or moments, and circumstances, and situations, pull all that we try to hide out of us. This can either leave us affirmed, pleasantly surprised, or crushed. So do we know someone at this point? Or do we all hold a little back? Is this the real you? Is this the real me? If you can read minds, then please answer these questions for me. I guess that really all we can do is hope. Hope that someone lets us in. Hope that someone tells us no lies. Hope that what we see is what they really want to show. Hope that the words they say are the words they mean. We have to hope that we truly know someone, and then hope that time will keep telling that truth.

However, this can’t be a double standard. If we want something from someone, we have to be willing to give the same thing. I’m ok with no lies and I’m ok with meaning the words I say. I want people to trust me and to depend on me. Cover to cover, page by page, little by little, day by day; I wanna be an open book. I want people to see me as I am. I mean my good qualities, that is. Enter the scary part, allowing someone to see my weak, my fear, my hurt, my scars, my tears, my insecurities, my anger, my regret, my mean, my anxiety, my bitch, my crazy, and this list could go on and on and on. The scariest of all, are the moments, and circumstances, and situations, when my flaws are pulled out of me. For instance, this might come as a shock to you all, but I am a very jealous person and as hard as I try to keep it inside, sometimes my jealousy gene just makes me a little crazy and I have to word vomit in a manner that is not attractive. And this is just one of my many flaws. Flaws that I wish I could change, flaws that I fear will drive people away, flaws that I try so very hard to down play. Again, it comes down to hope. I hope that my pros outweigh my cons. I hope that when my ugly finds its way to you that you will stay. I hope that when you know me, when you really know me, you will still love me.

Truth is I’d be willing to bet that we all feel this way. And deep down, in the place where we really know ourselves, we know that we have no right to judge. We all have a past, a first, reasons why, scars, and flaws. We all wanna know someone else, and we are all afraid of ourselves. So give and take, let someone in, and hope for the best.