A to B. This one's for you and me.

This is just one of those days when I feel like my issues and my problems and my hurt are worse than anything that anyone else has to feel. Just one of those days, because I know there are people who are hurting, who are hungry, and whose issues, and problems far outweigh mine. But no matter how empathic we all like to think we are we feel our pain and our problems to a much greater extent than we feel the pain and hurt of others. I feel guilty though, I’m one of the lucky ones, yet as I sit here typing listening to Sara Bareilles I am still feeling sorry for myself. There is always another storm, another mountain, another moment...thing upon issue upon loss upon problem upon guilt upon shame. There is always something else. Like Meredith says in Grey’s, “we only take pictures when we get to the top of the mountain”. It makes sense. We wanna forget the pain, the breathlessness, and the struggle of the climb. We just wanna enjoy being at the top. But the climb is necessary to get to the top. I’ll be honest, I hate that. A to B, I wanna skip the in between and just all of a sudden appear at B. I wanna just jump from A to B to C and so on. I don’t wanna climb and hurt or get fresh wounds. I wish we could just skip all of that.

If that in between makes me who I am, then I have some self-realization that I need to reach while I’m standing at the bottom afraid, broken, and looking up at the peak. Maybe that’s what I’m supposed to find on the journey, maybe I’m not supposed to have that self-realization yet. It would be nice to have a little direction though. Mountains are steep, rocks fall, and tree branches hurt when they cut you. Maybe finally getting to the top isn’t the point. Maybe everything along the way is the point. But I’m tired of falling down; I’m tired of being so close that the top is in my reach right until a boulder knocks me back to where I started. Maybe I’m just complaining and feeling sorry for myself. But maybe you feel the same way. I’m with you. It’s hard. Trust me, I know. The fall hurts. The bottom sucks. And the top seems like a magical fairytale. Maybe the point is to just keep climbing anyway. I may never reach the top. But I’ll be damned if I stay at the bottom. Like I always say giving up is easy, so I won’t, but only if you promise to keep climbing as well. Keep trying, despite the pain, the wrong, the ugly, and the massive amount of trees that have grown up so tall in your path to the top. Cuts, bruises, heartache, and breathlessness, they go away. Be it at the top or at the pretty place you stop to take a break and look at the view along your way.

I know that life is not a mountain, hell I kinda wish it was. With some practice I bet I could climb a real tall one. Not like Mount. Everest or anything, but I could get my ass up a decent sized one. Life is just life, and I’m just a person. Just like you. I’m just a person trying to make it, trying to hold on, and trying to live through it all. We all are. Different issues, different problems, different storms, and different mountains to climb. I bet my mountain is taller than yours though, naw I’m just kidding. In all actuality, I’m dealing with a hill. If you have a mountain or a hill or just a curb to step up on to, I’m sorry. I wish I had wings because then I would just fly us all to the very top. No wings though, just one step at a time. The climb on some real shit. Not Miley shit. The struggle is hard and I wanna lay in bed and cry all day. That’s not an option though because then well I’ll just stay at the bottom. And fuck day dreaming about the top and fearing the climb. One step at a time, I’ll learn what I can and leave behind what I can’t carry anymore. No matter how hard it is to let go, no matter how scary ahead looks, and no matter the wounds I will get along the way. I will keep getting back up and find a way over or under or through everything. I will enjoy the nice view every now and then and the ones I am there with. No following, no leading, just side by side. Up, under, and through. Maybe I’ll reach the top and look around see that it’s everything I hoped for. Or maybe the journey is the point. Having someone by your side during the climb, someone to make you laugh, to push you forward, and to carry you when you just can’t go on anymore.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart if you are on the journey to the top with me. I wouldn’t be able to do it without you. And as soon as I’m the strong one again, I will push you just like you are pushing me. I will make up for my weakness once I catch my breath. Thank you for staying when you could leave. Thank you for talking when you don’t have to and thank you for not saying a word when you know that nothing you say can help. Thank you for just being here. This one's for you and me.

"You and I know what it's like to be kicked down. Forced to fight. But tonight we're alright. So hold up the lights."

Sleeping and Shakespeare.

So in my last blog I informed you all about how all I do is talk shit. If you haven’t read my last blog then you might wanna go back and read it…like right now. This one will be here when you get back…I promise. So I figure we should just keep going down that road.

I have officially decided that nothing fun, or exciting, or like a nice adventure, maybe a date...you know just nice things…they shouldn’t start until like between 1 and 3. PM. We already know I’m lazy…but I don’t think I’ve told ya’ll how much I enjoy sleep. It’s very important to me and I’m very good at it. I consider it a gift; there is nothing better than a good sleep and even better when it includes a great dream. Like a super power save the world dream. So with that said, I just want my fun things to start in the afternoon. Sleep in, not be rushed, relax, get ready, then go and have a super blast doing whatever it is that has been planned for a fabulous day. My dad though, he thinks that all fun things should start at like 8. AM. I mean like we are at the Sea World doors before that bitch even opens. Really? I’m pretty sure Shamu will still be here at 1:30ish. PM. I know he is a great dad and always just wanted us to enjoy things and have good memories. I get that. He is still the same way though. I’m 24 years old and at the zoo before the gates open…like the animals are gonna go somewhere before noon or something. Just a wild guess, but I bet they will still be there.

I hate being late. Like I can be in a bad mood all day and I’d rather not go at all if it means I’m gonna be more than 5 minutes late. Seriously, I don’t like it at all. This just means that I have to wake up early to make sure I get to where I need to be early. It stresses me out a tiny bit. Just one more reason why I think that all fun things should not be on an early time schedule. My mom though, she is totally ok with being late. To EVERYTHING. My mom is never on time. Ever. Shit, it sounds like I’m really on my parents’ today haha. I love my mom very much but she thinks that fashionably late is a good thing. But I mean they are already finished singing hymns and are taking communion late. Not fashionable. All of the smart people who have arrived on time have already filled up the back pews. No one wants to sit in the front. You know it’s true. So here we are, my mom, my dad, Ty, Caleb, and me all walking to the front as everyone turns to stare at us like- how dare you walk in to the house of God this late!- Sooooo embarrassing. I may be lazy and I may procrastinate, but I am never late. If I’m in control of it.

So today we have learned that I don’t wanna start anything fun or well anything period in the AM. Well except for church, I wouldn’t wanna step on God’s toes or anything. Church can start whenever it wants to. Next, pretty please don’t ever make me late. I’ll be upset, and also because Shakespeare said so.

"Better three hours too soon than a minute too late."-William Shakespeare

I love good music and the artistic beauty that goes into a song. I appreciate all forms of art as well as all artists. Whatever is your art, I appreciate you for sharing it. I enjoy the fall, autumn rains and watching the leaves change colors. I’m a comic book and Sci-fi freak and I love learning new information about anything. So if you have something to say, I will listen. Even if it’s just what you think, I’d still like to hear it. My little brother is my best friend. I would die for him. Words are not enough when it comes to how much I care about and respect him. I like caramel apple suckers and cherry coke. My favorite color is purple. I like holding hands and the way it smells outside after a summer rain. I like to walk in the puddles and then warm my feet back up on the side walk. I could lay around all day watching movies or just listening to music. It doesn’t take much to make me happy. I love how you can spend a weekend with a complete stranger and at the end of that weekend you feel like you have known them your whole life. I’m in love with love on good and bad days. And I believe it’s the little things that matter the most. Just in case you were wondering about things that I actually do like lol.

Thanks for reading. It means something to me.

Hope's Friday.

So it’s Friday night and I just thought ya’ll might like to hear about how interesting and productive my night was. Hell we’ll just start with my whole day. We can call it Hope’s Friday. That sounds good.

I got out of bed at 3 p.m. but I did go to sleep at like 5 a.m., still though I mean wow right? Then I smoked a cigarette and watched TV. Later on, I ate a muffin that Caleb brought me when he went to the store and to Starbucks and to write and do some homework…you know things that normal people do. I smoked a lot of cigarettes, and then I’ve spent about the last 4 hours trying to get my skill level to pro playing tennis on Wii Sports. I swear that game freaking cheats. It lets me get like 801 points and that’s it. I only need 1000 to be pro. I mean come on that’s not a lot. And I know it’s not me because I’m the shit. The game is for sure cheating. Don’t worry though; I’m not like standing up and tricking myself into believing that I’m burning calories or anything. I’m sitting down on the couch talking shit to the Wii characters I’m playing against. “Ok Luca return this backhand. That’s what I thought bitch. Game over. Now go to the Mii store and shave your beard. It looks terrible.” My skill level is still below pro, in case you were wondering.

Now I’m sitting here reflecting on “Hope’s Friday” realizing that all I do is sit around and talk shit. I’m gonna quit smoking, I’m gonna get certified, I’m gonna get a better job, I’m gonna go back to school and get my masters. But all I’m doing is just talking shit. I wanna help people, I wanna make a difference, I wanna get better, I wanna be better, I wanna be remembered…and then I wanna go ahead and end starvation, stop the war between religions, and pave the way to world peace. Blah and blah and shit and blah. I’m still just sitting on this couch talking about everything I’m gonna start doing tomorrow then tomorrow comes and I just keep on talking about what I’m gonna start doing the day after tomorrow and so on and so on.

"Man that's all we ever do is talk shit! "We need to get fine bitches and fat rides. No, what we need to do is put our money in savings bonds. No, what we need to do is put our songs on JLB." Man shut the fuck up. All of us never do shit about nuttin' and we're still broke as fuck and living at home with our moms."-Jimmy Smith Jr

I know where I am, and I know where I want to be. I also know that I can’t get there from here. I understand that. It makes sense. It’s the steps that it takes to get there that scare me. It’s the work that I’ll have to put into it. It’s the no’s I might have to hear. It’s the trying and the losing that I don’t wanna go through…and I won’t lie, also it’s just about being lazy. I can’t change anything if I’m not doing anything to change what I wanna change. I can’t get anywhere if I’m just sitting on the couch talking shit to Luca and saying that I’m gonna start my life journey tomorrow. Just sitting outside still smoking cigarettes and pretending that air planes are shooting stars making a wish that I know can’t come true because that’s not really a shooting star it’s just an air plane. But wait; that whole shooting star thing is just a myth if all I’m gonna do is just make the wish. I might as well just keep on talking shit because nothing is gonna change if I’m here and wanna be there but I just keep sitting here.

That’s what they meant right?

So I’m gonna try to quit smoking…tomorrow I mean. Maybe I’ll start taking all of the right steps tomorrow. But maybe I’m just sitting here talking shit. I’ll try to let ya’ll know how it all goes. I mean if you keep coming back. If so I will talk to you later…but if there is no tomorrow, well then thanks for reading this today.

Birds and Butterflies.

I like birds. I like birds because they represent the ultimate freedom. They can fly. Imagine being able to just fly away. Whenever you want, where ever you want. If I had wings then gravity would never have to remind me that it exists. I would never have to fall to the ground smashing face first on the floor. I would never have to pick myself up and try again. But we aren’t birds; we can’t fly, probably because we wouldn’t know what to do with that kind of freedom. We would use it and abuse it and take advantage of flying instead of fighting. Gravity happens and we don’t have wings strapped to our shoes. We fall. We hurt. But we get back up or I think that we should because when we fight and when we stand and when we try we find pride and beauty. Yeah gravity, it’ll happen again, but we already know that. Then the pride and the beauty of standing allows us to push ourselves back up and keep on going. Sometimes standing hurts worse than falling down but standing is always better than staying on the ground. You’ll find beauty in standing even if it seems to be taking forever, eventually standing will be easy. So when you find yourself on the ground try telling yourself that beauty is waiting when you finally stand. The caged bird still sings right?

I like butterflies. I like butterflies because they give me perspective on change. “Without change, there would be no butterflies.” So when change happens, I try to think of how beautiful a butterfly is. Whether I’m embracing the change or just accepting it. It’s still the only thing that allows us to see the beauty of a butterfly. You know that whenever a butterfly finally comes out of its cocoon it only lives for like 9 months at the most. Some only live for about a week. Maybe this is a reminder that all beautiful things are temporary in a sense that nothing beautiful can last forever. Sometimes we are trapped inside of a cocoon, growing, learning, maturing, with nowhere to go and no way out. Stuck. But in good time, there will be beauty and freedom. But also, in time that will end as well and the process will just keep repeating itself. Repeating itself. I think butterflies are beautiful. They show us that change is ever changing. So when you find yourself trapped and stuck try telling yourself that beauty is waiting when you are finally free.

Life is life. We don’t always need a metaphor to explain things or to try to make sense of something. Shit sometimes we can’t even explain it or make sense of it. It just is what it is. Life is life. I like simple just because I hate complicated. I like living up to expectations because no one wants to be over-rated. I like truth because I don’t wanna hear any lies. I always wanna see you smile but that doesn’t mean you aren’t still beautiful when you cry. I like pretty flowers even though they die… “just a subtle reminder that nothing’s designed to survive.” I like highs but I know that at some point they have to be balanced out with lows. Just the way life goes. I hate losing more than I like to win. I like now because it’s better than where I’ve been. We all say we’re different but secretly we long to fit in. I’m ok on my own but I hate sleeping alone. I prefer right but I can’t deny that sometimes it feels good to be wrong. I like music because there is power in a song. I like to sleep because I love to dream and love, well; it doesn’t need a rhyme or a reason to be.

Thank you for spending your time with me and my words. Just so you know it means more than you know.

This is Jason Reeves-Song for a waitress. Beautiful.

Life and everything that comes with it.

Have you ever looked at a picture of your ex and thought….what the fuck was I thinking?? You aren’t even cute!! They are moving on as if they did nothing wrong and you wanna scream in their face- “you did everything wrong you ugly lying ass hole!”- But you don’t say it, because you are better than them, and you always have been. And then you just wish that they were missing you, so that for once they could feel the way that they made you feel. Then you think if anyone could ever make you feel that awful feeling you felt, then you could never make them feel anything at all, because if someone really cared, they would never make you feel that way. So then you tell yourself, that they never cared, and they never meant any of the nice things they said. It was all just one big bitter sweet lie. And maybe that is true, hell it’s probably true…but if it’s not, just thinking that it’s true helps you find the strength to move on. To move forward.

We are all a lot stronger than we like to give ourselves credit for. There is something deep inside that we all find a way to cling to, because let’s just face it; we wouldn’t still be here if we weren’t strong. Life is hard as shit. It’s mean and cruel and everyone has to deal with it and fight through it and cry about it. Maybe what we cling to is pride, not giving in because then everyone else would think we are weak. Maybe it’s guilt, because if we didn’t stay it would just hurt too many people that we had to leave. Maybe it’s the thought that we just have to much left to do. Dreams that we desire and things that we wanna make happen. Maybe it’s a combination of them all; give and take away whatever works for the individual. For me personally, I just try to look at it all in moments. We have all had good and bad ones. Sad and happy ones. Right and wrong ones. Even the good, happy, and right ones haven’t been perfect. I tell myself it’s just life. Life is just keeping the balance. So that’s what I cling during the bad, sad, and wrong moments. The thought that in time the scale will start to tip, and my life will be back on the way up. Maybe that’s not true…hell it’s probably not true. But just thinking that it’s true helps me find the strength to move on to move forward.

I have seen firsthand the beauty of 2 souls becoming one, and I have witnessed the heartache that happens when one of those souls is ripped away. I have felt firsthand the love of people who truly love me no matter what, and I have cried through the heartache of losing them. I tell myself it’s just life. Life is just keeping the balance. The grass is not always greener, and once we have jumped that fence we can’t always go back over. So I try to enjoy where I am, even though it may not be where I wanna be, I try to find the good in it, and enjoy who I am there with. Because I know that the grass is not always greener, but it may be. I hope for us all that every now and then we hop a fence that has the greenest grass and most beautiful flowers growing on the other side. I hope that the bad, sad, and wrong moments don’t stop you from believing in the good, happy, and right ones. I hope that heartbreak and heartache doesn’t scare you away from loving again. I hope that you always find something to cling to. I hope that you think it’s just life and it’s just moments.

Life is hard as shit. It’s mean and cruel and everyone has to deal with it and fight through it and cry about it. But I believe that all of that bad is what makes the good the best. So stay and fight and love and smile because life is worth it. We are all a lot stronger than we give ourselves credit for. Maybe that’s not true…but maybe, just maybe…it is.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog. If you enjoy it then I will be back soon and if you don’t well then I don’t like you either lol jk…but seriously. Thanks again.
This song is perfect. Leona Lewis is beautiful and so talented. Love.

Truth and Lies

Hi. Once again I know it’s been a while. I’m just really lazy, like so lazy that I can’t even write a blog. It requires thoughts that make sense, and lately, I just haven’t been able to string together words that I feel are almost good enough for other people to read. I’ll give it a try right now though, just for you.

I still don’t have a job…yeah I know. “I don’t like work, because I don’t like working.” And if I were cool enough to make shout outs that one would go out to my girl Nicole Snooki Polizzi! And if I were a guidette with a reality show and a pistachio commercial I would for sure write a book. I do have an interview on Monday though, so wish me luck!

Someone recently asked me if I could stand up and talk about my life for an hour. I answered that I could talk about my life for days. But only if the room had like 5 people in it and I could have my back to them. We all know how I feel about CFs so you can imagine how I would feel about speaking in a CF. But anyway; I decided that an hour is not even close to enough time to sum up my life. I wouldn’t even know where to start. Maybe that’s just because I like to talk a lot and well I do know the most about myself, like who doesn’t? My life is happy, tragic, sweet, bitter, beautiful, hideous, right, wrong, amazing and confusing. Which really that’s no different from anyone else, that’s just life in general. Really, I’m just trying to figure it all out.

I think we should question everything. Question ourselves, question others, question right and wrong, question staying and moving on. Question facts and opinions; question what we know and what we don’t know. I think that the only way to define life is by, well, just living our own. It’s never what you say; it’s always what you do. And words mean a ton to me, but they mean nothing if they don’t have actions behind them. By no means, do I mean that I always mean everything that I say; because well the truth about the truth is that it hurts. So we lie. Is it ok to lie to save someone from pain? Is it ok to hide the truth to avoid the hurt? Just like everything else in life, this has to be situational. Moment to moment, we have to hope that all the questioning we have done and all that we have previously been through will lead us to the right decision. With that being said, I should be honest. “To say that I am happy, well that’s just the saddest lie.”(Once again, if I could make a shout out that one would go to Kid Cudi.)

However, like I always say…giving up is easy. Feeling hurt is inevitable. And I’m not afraid to be vulnerable. So I’ll always give everything that I have. And if my heart is all that I have, then all of it is what I will give. I believe that holding back means missing out. Maybe being that way leaves me to hurt a little more but it also leaves me with no regrets. It will never be what I didn’t do. The pain will be temporary, but I think the thought of knowing that you could’ve done more or tried a little harder is something that would always be felt. Or maybe it’s just something that I don’t wanna feel. Heartache is something that everyone will unfortunately have to go through. To me though, the fear of a broken heart will never stop me from loving blindly. And by that I mean diving in head first. If pain comes then I will deal with it when I get to it. But my love will always be full and free, with nothing held back and no fear stopping me. Wait, I know what you are thinking, yeah that is a lot easier said than done. You are right. So, guess I will say that I will always try, it’s the most that I can do and I’m not afraid to do it.


“Love and loss, truth; it costs more than I can spare right now. Maybe it's simpler to lie.”-Ron Pope

Truth is...

I have recently, on 4 different occasions now, had a dream that I have super powers. Like really awesome, save the needy, not scared of anything, I’m the shit type super powers. My brother says it’s because I feel powerless in my actual life blah and my subconscious is trying to tell me that I need to take control of my life. Whoa, easy Dr. Phil. Maybe it’s a sign, like the world is going to evolve and I’m gonna be one of the gifted ones. My subconscious is mentally preparing me for this drastic change to come. Maybe? With that said, I’m embracing 2012. So if the world doesn’t end, look me up, and we’ll see what I have become. (Hopefully not Beast from X-men.)

If I could pick any super power to have it would be to read minds. One reason is so I could feel like I truly know someone. I mean we all like to think that we know people, that we know someone, that someone knows us. But do we? In the beginning we only see what the other person chooses to show us, and we only hear what they choose to say. Then we form our own opinion of them, but this opinion comes from us, not from them. This is when it gets complicated. This is when expectations are accidently made. Then we either get close enough to allow someone inside, or moments, and circumstances, and situations, pull all that we try to hide out of us. This can either leave us affirmed, pleasantly surprised, or crushed. So do we know someone at this point? Or do we all hold a little back? Is this the real you? Is this the real me? If you can read minds, then please answer these questions for me. I guess that really all we can do is hope. Hope that someone lets us in. Hope that someone tells us no lies. Hope that what we see is what they really want to show. Hope that the words they say are the words they mean. We have to hope that we truly know someone, and then hope that time will keep telling that truth.

However, this can’t be a double standard. If we want something from someone, we have to be willing to give the same thing. I’m ok with no lies and I’m ok with meaning the words I say. I want people to trust me and to depend on me. Cover to cover, page by page, little by little, day by day; I wanna be an open book. I want people to see me as I am. I mean my good qualities, that is. Enter the scary part, allowing someone to see my weak, my fear, my hurt, my scars, my tears, my insecurities, my anger, my regret, my mean, my anxiety, my bitch, my crazy, and this list could go on and on and on. The scariest of all, are the moments, and circumstances, and situations, when my flaws are pulled out of me. For instance, this might come as a shock to you all, but I am a very jealous person and as hard as I try to keep it inside, sometimes my jealousy gene just makes me a little crazy and I have to word vomit in a manner that is not attractive. And this is just one of my many flaws. Flaws that I wish I could change, flaws that I fear will drive people away, flaws that I try so very hard to down play. Again, it comes down to hope. I hope that my pros outweigh my cons. I hope that when my ugly finds its way to you that you will stay. I hope that when you know me, when you really know me, you will still love me.

Truth is I’d be willing to bet that we all feel this way. And deep down, in the place where we really know ourselves, we know that we have no right to judge. We all have a past, a first, reasons why, scars, and flaws. We all wanna know someone else, and we are all afraid of ourselves. So give and take, let someone in, and hope for the best.